…something I FEEL STRONGLY about…

…LOYALTY above everything…

Everything That Matters

Our ability to be loyal says a lot about us. We should learn and respect where our loyalty lies because all relationships feed and thrive on that.

Yes, I will look past ALL your shortcomings but drop you like its hot if I discover you cannot be loyal to save your own skin.

In My Opinion, betrayal not only destroys relationships but also harms the one betrayed emotionally and psychologically. If you have been betrayed before, then you know that you’ll question whether you are capable of making the right choices especially if it comes from a confidant. It makes you also question those around you – even if they are not part of the disloyal act. This in turn create’s an imbalance that would need all sorts of scrutiny before all goes back to normal. So to avoid ALL THAT, I try to cut off persons who I strongly feel would betray my trust for the fun of it.

In the same context, I believe  one should also be loyal to themselves. Do not be belittled by others such that what you project is a reflection of their opinions and standards instead of your own. After all, charity starts at home.

loyalty Posted @ QUOTEZ.CO

 

…call me B, I won’t mind at all…

 

.. my EMOTIONS; WESTGATE MALL TERROR ATTACK(KENYA)..

I have shed tears countless times since I saw the first image of casualties of the Westgate Mall terror attack; this was the picture of a woman in a car. I couldn’t make out whether she was with someone else in the car, but she was gone. Lying there motionless; this was not a movie scene.

Today marks the one week anniversary since this heinous attack; my emotions have been a wreck since then.

I have experienced highs and lows, gone through victories and losses. I have seen photos too gruesome for publication and hoped that the cameramen/women will be counselled sooner than later. I have also seen photos of courage, love and unity. These are the photos I would love to highlight.

..RUN BABY, RUN..I came close to tears when I saw this child running all alone across the corridor and felt so much pain knowing that her tiny feet couldn’t go any faster if she wanted to. But felt a smile in my heart when I saw this police officer reaching out to her. She may not be fully aware of the danger she was in but she sure looks strong and confidence. I hope her guardian made it out alive and that she is playing in the safety of her parents’ watchful eyes as I type away. I pray she is safe.

20130922075158I felt scared as a mother when I saw this lady covering her little ones and obviously exposing herself to danger but that looked like the very least of her worries. My joy sore high up when I saw the little girl being carried out in the arms of this security officer, clutching happily at her bata package and her mum can be seen at the back. I thank God.

1379775448001-002Wanted to hug this cop for carrying this little one with an AK47 on his hand and the lady also looking up to him for her safety and cover, video clips showed that it was obviously not an easy task. If you know him – give him hug on my behalf and thousands of others who I am sure would have wanted to do the same.

IMG_20130922_215659I crossed my fingers in fear on behalf of a friend whose fiancé was believed to be in the mall when the attack started but the relief that washed over me when he sent a text to inform that he had found her in hospital was bigger. She had been shot on the leg but she was away from the danger zone – in Kenyan slang “ako poa”.

Ruhila at WorkWhen Ruhila Adatia’s death was first reported, all I could think was “why her??? that girl that had a bubbly personality? why her??” Images of how she must have suffered being that she was onto her third trimester with her first child tore my heart. What was her husband going through? She had been there for a kids cook-out event – she loved life and was full of it. May God rest her soul in eternal peace.

wounded-policeman

I felt mad when I saw this shot officer in the mall, holding his wound trying to prevent blood loss; the look on his face not betraying the pain he was in. Earlier pictures and clips had shown him doing what he knows best. Protecting and rescuing casualties but now he had become a casualty as well. My madness stemmed from the fact that he went into the mall without any protective gear, his colleague didn’t have any either!!!. Dear God I hope he is out of danger, don’t let that gunshot wound be the end of his story-line.

nighttimeAs darkness fell on the first night of the attack, I feared for those who were still being held hostage in the mall. I feared for those who were holed up in various places inside the mall, unaware of how, when or even if they were going to make it out. I feared that they may be someone who was wounded and as time waned his/her chance of surviving were being minimized. I feared for the safety of the security officers camping and mapping out their next move.

20130922_NAIROBI2_337-slide-OCBP-articleLargeThen this photo evidence hit my Facebook timeline – of a young girl who had hidden in a ventilation shaft the whole time being rescued. Joy reigned in my heart – a sign that there was hope for the rest. Then as day two of the attack started that hope bore fruit when another lady was rescued after spending the night hiding under a car according to her own account. She looked dazed and shaken but she was alive. To prove that the living God we serve never desert’s us, a second lady was rescued. She had locked herself in her office and had been in contact with her husband who in turn contacted police officers who rescued her. Moments later a third lady was rescued; she was immediately driven away by the police officer before recounting her ordeal to the battery of reporters who were waiting.

weareone

The #weareone trending on twitter came to life when we saw people serving food and water to the police officers, journalists and medical personnel. This they did from their own accord and resources, selflessly woke up and braved the chill of the day. Saw it again when people came out in their thousands to give blood, time and supplies. Such that Kenyans overseas wanted to give blood and send by airline. When Safaricom and other mobile service providers made a call for people to give money, we proudly did that. We in the same spirit saw political arch-rivals get together to condemn the attack. No finger-pointing – one voice in leadership. Yes people WE ARE KENYANS and WE ARE ONE.

The official numbers provided by the security officers and other agencies involved in the rescue mission stands as follows;

  • so far 67 deaths have been confirmed inclusive of 6 security officers and over 175 people injured.
  • over 50 people are still missing.
  • over 1,000 people were rescued – this being a joint effort of the area’s community security policing, various Kenyan security bodies and several international security agencies.
  • through Safaricom’s #weareone initiative, Kenyans raised more than KShs. 70 million, those in the diaspora raised KShs. 410, 157 and Safaricom contributed KShs. 30 million

When the song Daima by Eric Wainaina came on my radio I knew it was all going to be alright. Any Kenyan knows how powerful this song is and how it has always given us hope in times of tension and this was definitely one of them. I have had it on replay today as I write this piece;

“Umoja ni fahari yetu, Undugu ndio nguvu. Chuki na ukabila hatutaki hata kamwe. Lazima tuungane, tuijenge nchi yetu. pasiwe hata mmoja anayetutenganisha. naishi, natumaini, najitolea daima Kenya. hakika ya bendera ni uthabiti wangu. Nyeusi ya wananchi na nyekundu ni ya damu. kijani ni ya ardhi nyeupe ya amani. daima mimi mkenya, mwananchi mzalendo. wajibu wetu ni kuishi kwa upendo kutoka ziwa mpaka pwani kaskazini na kusini”

This song is all about being Kenyan no matter what happens, it reminds us the meaning of the colors on our flag. Never dividing ourselves along tribal lines and not allowing anyone to do so to us – neither through religious nor racial lines as well.

I still have questions, questions running into hundreds that I would love answered. But for now I just want to thank everyone who helped out; materially, financially, physically and in prayers.

Pray for my country dear reader.

Kenyan Girl – B…

…Behind Closed Doors…

Have you been hit by  a man you loved and let it slide because well – he “love’s you”? I have
Have you told the man you love secrets about your life you have never told anyone only for him to bring them up when you err? – I have
Have you been so emotionally abused by a man seen as a saint by everyone that you know very well telling on him would lead to people doubting you? – I have
Have you woken up everyday asking yourself if you are worth anything and if at all you are then it must very little – I have.
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror and almost can’t recognize the person staring back at you? I have
Have you felt scared every time someone complimented you in front of your hubby? I have

I know someone out here can relate to one or two questions above. A lot of women go through lots of pain in the name of love. I can bet my life there is a woman TODAY who will not be able to hold on anymore and swallow twenty six too many pills “accidentally”.

Everyday lives behind closed doors are not what we see in these streets maybe their after effects. Most of the most sane looking women we know are bottling up so much.

  • That woman lingering at the store staring too long at detergents might just be wondering what brand of bleach would be powerful enough to “take away” her pain.
  • The lady at the queue – you know the one that seemed to allow everyone to check out despite being clearly good to go with her goods might just be buying time so that she doesn’t go home faster – where more beatings await her.
  • That girl in the office who always seems to have walked into an open cupboard door, slipped in the bathroom, got stung by a bee in the eye might neither be having a string of bad luck nor is she clumsy as we would like to comfortably think.

We always want to believe the best in everyone especially if they come with a basket of charm to boot.

Most domestic abuses are done by people we would least expect. People we would like to be associated with and most of the time envy them.

Their victims; never stand a chance unless these abusers are caught in the act.

Let’s use my example; we were perfect.

My girlfriends thought I was the luckiest.

In him I saw a perfect father to our little girl.

Then little by little changes took place.

I ignored them

The first time he hit me, I was caught unawares. It all happened in a flash – I can barely remember anything, just the surprise of “what the hell just happened here?”.

He left the house and came back late at night, we made love like nothing had happened. Note that we didn’t discuss it at all. It’s like we had communicated silently.

After that came the emotional abuse. That must have been what drained me the most. I tried speaking up and putting a stop it, of course he would say “I’m sorry” or something close but he would be back at it after some days.

Some days we were fine, others it would be hell. I heard enough about my looks, how I associated with  people(read men), why I dressed in a certain way all in the negative light.

I cut myself off from ALL my friends – I  kid you not. I wanted to please him and was going to do that at the cost of my social life.

Emotional abuse – to me – is the worst form of abuse anyone can go through. You don’t have any proof to make people start “asking questions”. It’s all inside, you are reduced to a state of nothingness and if not helped can resort to harmful measures. People have gone bunkers after being told now and again and again and again that they are worthless. After some time you start believing what you are told and only see yourself through your abuser’s eyes. You become scared to speak out on any issue no matter how little.

I remember the day I decided to GO ON WITH LIFE.

We had had a bigger quarrel that had to involve our families to separate us. I remember seeing my mum and thinking I don’t ever want my little girl to be in this situation. I broke down – I had come to the end or so I thought.

I still remember his family telling me things like DO NOT BURN YOU BRIDGE – they couldn’t see any wrong on their son’s part. They had the nerve to tell me I will still want him back when things cool down.

They were right – in a sad way they were.

After packing my bags and settling back at my mum’s, I panicked. I had not though of what to do from that point. I had a little girl barely two years old and didn’t have any way to support myself. Sure my mum was going to take of us but I wanted to do my part too.

I remember calling my baby daddy one week afterwards and asking when he was coming for us. I reminded him how we had all agreed that I go to my mom’s till things calmed down. When in a panicked state of mind one week might as well be five months.

He casually told me he was thinking about it. An indirect way of saying, “I will come for you when I come, so don’t call me I will call you”.

Luckily I got me a casual job at a salon and since it was within the neighborhood I could go with my daughter. It was inconveniencing to my colleagues, clients and myself as well.

My daughter didn’t trust people, so I had to carry her every time she was awake which was a lot of time due to the nature of my workplace  she couldn’t get much sleep.

I basically did a eight to seven almost everyday. After closing, I would carry my tired sleeping baby and slowly walk home – which was fifteen minutes away. I was filled with thoughts of why me? Why this?. I lost a lot of weight within very few days.

With baby in my arms and safely “hidden” from prying eyes, those fifteen minutes walks became the only time I let the pain out. I could cry silently and let tears just roll freely. By the time I was home I had “let out” enough to get me through the next twenty four hours.

I remember this one time I let out a loud cry and startled some guy walking in front of me. I then pretended to have knocked my toe on a stone. He offered to have a look at it but I wouldn’t let him. In fact I am very sure I brushed him off rudely.

As I turned the last bend to my mum’s I would dry my eyes and explain my red eyes to being tired.

My family were amazed at how well I was handling everything. Never breaking down – I was a superwoman of sorts.

My crying subsided with time though the pain didn’t. It hang around in the air – taunting me. Daring me to let go.

Eleven months passed and he called me; HE HAD FINALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT and wanted to come for his family. Naturally I would have expected him to apologize but he didn’t. He just wanted his family – see how people can be so caring? tsk tsk – I know, I know.

I will not lie I was excited about it.  My mum – naturally – was only going to host “the in-laws”  if it was okay with me.

I remember them coming to my mum’s and acting like I had left three days earlier to prepare for this day. Everyone was going on about how the past should be left in the past. How mistakes happen and everyone being not perfect.

I had no problem with that, I understood all that.

My issue lay in the fact that agreeing to assume nothing had happened without even an official apology was like giving an okay to be hit me again if he ever felt like.

I decided at that point not to go back, but let the festivities go on.

I didn’t care how it would look. I didn’t care that people would be disappointed at me wasting their time. Others would be more concerned at how much money they had used in preparation. I was to leave with him on that day at the end of the celebrations.

I promised to go the following week. My excuse – I had to pack. That night I told my mum I was not going back to him. She didn’t argue with me, she didn’t ask why. All she wanted to know is if  am sure.

I was.

I had reconnected with a lot of my friends and my self esteem was back up again. So the thought of going back to someone who had almost two years to think things through  and couldn’t come up with an apology, maybe – just maybe two lines of explanations just to clear things up wasn’t adding up in my line of thinking.

I knew I wanted him to take care of our little girl but not me. I had decided to take care of me.

Everyday when things are tough at work I have to remember the alternative and  chose to tough it out.

It has been about four years and counting since then. Everyday I feel my strength crawling back.

I took me back and vowed to never let me go again.

It took me about eighteen months to try out a relationship and  noticed that it and others after that didn’t last two months or more. I had major trust issues. I couldn’t open up to people.

In crowds I am okay, alone I feel secure,  in a relationship I feel trapped, suffocated.

I recently got into a relationship with an amazing guy. My insecurity is still there. If he ever ups n leave I wont blame him but at least he gets me and knows I have a long way to go before I trust him and people in general completely.

He has helped me appreciate myself more. I can laugh at how my thighs wiggle when not in the safety of a pair of jeans. I don’t mind my pouch of a stomach anymore, He thinks that it is fantastic I didn’t try to get rid of my pregnancy after effects. He doesn’t freak out at the sight of the scar that was left by my cs operation – even if it means no bikini bathing suits for me. He thinks I argue out almost every point till I win – he lets me have my way anyway. Somebody say #winning.

This is not to say he doesn’t have flaws, he does but the fact that he doesn’t torture me about mine makes his almost non-existent .

His love has made me able to talk about things I had kept behind closed doors and pretended not to have the keys. Now I can open those doors and  let all the occupants out.

I talk about it with friends and they go something along the lines of, “REALLY?? YOU B?”.

I understand their disbelief. I for a long time learnt to keep it all under wraps.

But I have realized that I feel better after talking about it all, not for the sympathy looks I get but for being able to let out emotions.

At times talking about it makes me laugh, yet other times I can feel the teardrops linger at times even rolling down freely. Others its just a mixture of both. The same story – different emotions.

I don’t regret BURNING THAT BRIDGE, I am not curious to know what might have happened if I had not.

I will completely heal from it all one day. I am not rushing the process – I will not rush the process.

I REMEMBER ME – it doesn’t matter where I go, what I’m told, now you know I REMEMBER ME – Jennifer Hudson.

High five  – HIGH FIVE TO THE FUTURE.

Thanks for stopping by.

call me B….

..because of you..

…I will not make, the same mistakes that you did…
…I will not let myself cause my heart so much mystery… 
…I will not break the way you did it felt so hard…
…My heart cant possibly break… 
…when it wasn’t even whole to start with…
  • I will not make the same mistakes that you did…
I don’t ever want to lie to my daughter that her daddy is a good for nothing just because it never worked out between us. I don’t want to be the source of a friends pain just because I cant be woman enough to tell her that whoever she is going out with doesn’t have good morals i.e a heart breaker/player. I will not buy furniture worth an arm and leg because my friend did so and she ended up paying for it anyway – did I mention it took her thirteen months to do so?. I will not gossip about my friends just because they are having a time of their lives and am stuck in a rut. I will not engage in any “relationship for promotion” at work just because i think its the only way. I will not allow myself to be afraid of living this life and making mistakes as i go, because we know this is the only way to overcome fear of the unknown. I will learn from your mistakes….

  • I will not let myself cause my heart so much mystery…

At times I want something so bad but I don’t have the oomph to go for it. So I sit back and hope that someone will read my mind and free me from my timid self. I hurt so much when I see someone else take what I had perceived mine. Everyone now becomes my enemy, I carry so much hurt and hate around and nothing can stop me from looking at it as the other person’s  fault. By the time I realise what I have done, how much hurt I’ve caused myself,  it becomes difficult to take it all back.The damage has already been done. My heart has been shattered. So I  make a promise not to  hurt anyone but most importantly myself….  so lets protect the one thing that helps us show love to others..

  • … my heart cant possibly break when it wasn’t even whole to start with...

           There are instances when we are so deep into relationships that we do not want to admit that things ain’t adding up no more. We know that the end is as well as here with us but are not scared of that happening. To me this happens when my credibility has been questioned and I feel it was done in the most unfair way. like when my partner starts questioning my life decisions even when it isn’t necessary. That bond somehow is broken and you just hang-on for appearances sake but deep down you know it is over. When you feel your partner trusts other people more than you, you decide to give them just part of you. Because of what use is “me giving my whole when all am getting is just parts???”. We all want a life of friends with total loyalty n trust and every time that bond is interfered with, getting it back to its initial state gets difficult. So how am I to feel pain when it ends? when my heart had already prepared itself for massacre?….